I hate your face
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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