I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
