I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
