i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
