You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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