btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
