I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
