Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
