When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
4 words: hood of his car
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
