Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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