I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
