I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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