I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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