I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
