Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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