Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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