Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
