Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I want a musical about memes.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
