I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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