I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sober January is a disaster.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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