I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
