So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I don't deserve a penis
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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