Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
now i know why i became what i already was.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
