So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
