My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
