So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
