Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
