my room smells like sperm. sweet.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
