Michael Bay diarrhea
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
