i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
