I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
