have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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