i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Rumble strips road head = magical
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
