you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
