1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
