Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
