Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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