I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
