I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
