I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
