U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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