Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize