I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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