i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
