How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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