i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
