Banned from zoo.
Again?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
