Sry I called you an 8
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
