Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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