Buhtt sex?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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