You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
