Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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