I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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