Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
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His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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