he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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