i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
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